We mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.  No one knows for sure how old he was, since his records have been lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He is credited with cultivating such abilities as taking the bitter with the sweet, recognising that life is not always fair and that maybe it was my fault after all.

Common Sense developed some sound financial policies ( such as: don’t spend more than you earn , don’t borrow more that you can repay ) and also reliable parenting strategies ( adults, not children, are in charge.

Common Sense’s health declined in the 1960’s  when he became infected with the if-it-feels good-do-it virus. His health further deteriorated when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining  their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parents consent to administer sun-tan lotion or plasters to a student, but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and asked for an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live when the Ten Commandments could not be publicly displayed for fear of giving offence. Churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you could not defend yourself in your own home but a burglar could sue you for assault.  He finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled some in her blap while driving and she was awarded massive damages.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust, his wife Discretion, his daughter Responsibility and his son Reason. He is survived by his four step-sons, I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame and I’m A Victim.

Farewell, Common Sense, may you rest in peace.

If you still remember him pass this on. If not, join the majority and do,   NOTHING.

Common sense

I’m Fine Thank You.

There is nothing the matter with me, I’m as healthy as I can be.

        I have Arthritis in both my knees,

        and when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.

My pulse is weak and my blood is thin.

        But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.

Arch supports I have for my feet, or I wouldn’t be able to walk in the street.

        Sleep is denied me night after night,

         but every morning I find I’m alright.

My memory is failing, my heads in a spin,

        But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.

The moral of this, as my tale I unfold.

        That for you and me who are growing old,

        It’s better to say “I’m fine with a grin,

Than to let folks know the shape we are in.

        How do I know my youth is all spent?

Well my “get up and go” has got up and went.

        But I really don’t mind when I think with a grin,

Of all the grand places my “get up” has bin.

“Old age is golden” I’ve heard it said, but, sometimes I wonder as I get into bed.

        With my ears in the drawer, my teeth in a cup,

        My eyes on the table until I wake up.

‘Ere sleep overtakes me, I say to myself,

        “ Is there anything else I could lay on the shelf?”

When I was young my slippers were red, I could kick my heels over my head.

        When I was older my slippers were blue,

        But I could still dance the whole night through.

Now I am old my slipper are black,

        I walk to the store and puff my way back.

I get up each morning and dust off my wits,

        And pick up the newspaper and read the “Obits”.

If my name is still missing I know I’m not dead,

        So I have a good breakfast and face what’s ahead.

Join the club

Just a line to say I’m living, that I’m not amongst the dead.

Though I’m getting more forgetful and mixed up in my head.

I’ve got used to Arthritis, to my dentures I’m resigned.

I can cope with my bifocals, but Ye Gods I miss my mind.

Sometimes I can't remember when I’m standing by the stairs

Should I be going up for something or have I just come dawn.

And before the fridge so often my mind is full of doubt.

Have I put some food away or have I come to take some out.

If it’s not my time to write my dear, I hope you won’t get sore

I may think that I have written and don’t want to be a bore.

So remember, I do love you and wish that you lived near

But now it’s time to post this and say goodbye my dear.

I stand beside the post box and my face is getting red

Because instead of posting this to you I’ve opened it instead.

A letter to a friend

Remember that we old folk are worth a fortune, with Silver in our hair, Stones in our kidneys, Lead in our feet and Gas in our stomachs.

I have become quite a frivolous old gal, having two gentlemen with me all the time: “Will Power” helps me to get out of bed, and “Arthur Ritis” never leaves me alone.

The preacher came to call the other day, he said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him I do that all the time. No matter where I am, in the living room, the study, the kitchen, or upstairs, I always ask myself - “ what am I hereafter”

THOUGHTS FOR AN OLDER PERSON

IF ONLY

If the Earth

were only a few feet in

diameter, and floating just above

this farmers  field  somewhere.  People

would come from everywhere to revel in it.

They would walk around it, marvelling at it’s

many  large  pools of water and numerous smaller

pools, and how the water flows  between the  pools.

They  would  also  enjoy  seeing  the many mountains

upon its surface,  and the holes in it,  and they would

marvel at the very thin layer of air surrounding it and

the water vapour suspended in the gas. The visitors would

be amazed by the many creatures  walking upon the surface

of the ball, and all the creatures, swimming in the water.

Then all the people  would declare  it precious because it

was so unique and they would protect it so it would not be

damaged.  The globe would become the greatest wonder ever

seen and people would come to behold it, to be healed by

its properties,  to gain its knowledge then to know its

beauty, to wonder where it came from.  Folk would soon

learn to love it, and would defend it with their very

lives, because they would realise that their lives

depended on its survival. That all the answers

we need to know could be found within this

beautiful small floating ball. Nothing

could be simpler. If only the Earth

was just a small spinning globe.

Floating out in space.

mmmmm.

if the Earth were only a

few feet in

diameter.

TEAM WORK

There are four people, named EVERYBODY, SOMEBODY, ANYBODY and NOBODY.



When an important job had to be done,  EVERYBODY was asked to do it.  EVERYBODY was sure SOMEBODY would do it.  ANYBODY could have done it, but NOBODY did it.  SOMEBODY got angry about that, because it was EVERYBODY’s job. EVERYBODY thought ANYBODY could do it but NOBODY realised that EVERYBODY wouldn’t do it.

It ended up that EVERYBODY blamed SOMEBODY when NOBODY did what ANYBODY could have done.

THE GESTALT PRAYER

I do my thing, and you do your thing.

I am not in this world to live up to your expectations.

You are not in this world to live up to mine.

You are you and I am I

And if by chance we find each other, it’s beautiful.

If not, it can’t be helped.

Another Obituary

It is with the saddest heart I pass on the following:

Please join me in remembering a great icon - the veteran Pillsbury spokesman.  The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs Butterwoth, Hungry Jack, the Californian Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch.

The graveside was piled high with flours. As long-time friend Aunt Jemmima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very “smart” cookie,  wasting much of his dough on

half- baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he even still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Towards the end it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven.

His elderly father, Pop Tart, also survives him.

The funeral was held at 3.50 for about twenty minutes.

I claim  no credit for the following items. They tickled my fancy so though I’d share them. Various sources from friends to the Internet are responsible.

More items will be added as and when I’m tickled again.

Dear Doris

(correspondence between a prisoner and his wife)

Dear Doris, I hope you and the kids are keeping well.

                I’ve broke the law so now I’m stuck inside a prison cell.

I hope they don’t forget to put the Bromide in the tea.

                I’m sharing with a wrestler and I think he fancies me.

Dear Ronald, I think it was a trifle rash,

           to buy a new Mercedes on the day you stole the cash.

In fact it wasn’t rash, it was absolutely thick.

           Like when you planned that smash and grab, then went without your brick.

Dear Doris, at least they still don’t know where the money’s hid.

                So we can both look forward to half a million quid.

Then we’ll live a life of luxury, with no police to spoil it.

                Please excuse the paper love, I’m writing in the toilet.

Oh Ronald, the dog ate mothers dentures in the night.

           Erics got the Mumps, and the house is such a sight.

The kitchens like a rubbish dump, and the gardens full of weeds.

           I’m going to have to dig it up and plant potato seeds.

DORIS, please don’t lay a finger on that lawn.

                 It’ll break my heart if I come home any of it’s gone.

Buy some packs of Wondermash, and stick to frozen peas.

                 Forget I said the SOIL is RICH, and that MONEY grows on trees.

Ronald, there are three police cars parked out in the street.

           There’s constables with picks and spades and very mucky feet.

They’ve ripped away your Hollyhocks and plundered your Azalea,

           and if they don’t stop digging soon, they’ll surface in Australia.

Dear Doris, Ho-Ho-Ho. Your letters come as such a consolation.

                The last one made me laugh so hard it cured my constipation.

I never thought they’d take the bait, I tried it anyhow.

                 It made them dig your garden love, so you can plant the potatoes now.

I was walking down life's highway, a long time ago.

When I saw a sign that read “Heaven's Grocery Store”,

As I came a little closer, the door it opened wide,

Then, when I came to myself, I was standing inside.

There was host of ANGELS standing everywhere.

One handed me a basket and said; “My child please shop with care”.

Everything a Christian needs was in this Grocery Store,

And what you couldn't carry, you could come back the next day for.

First, I collected some PATIENCE, LOVE was in the same row,

Further down was UNDERSTANDING, you need that everywhere you go.

I picked up a box of WISDOM, a bag or two of FAITH.

I couldn't miss the HOLY GHOST, for it was all over the place.

I stopped to get some STRENGTH and COURAGE to help me run the race.

By then my basket was getting full, but I remembered to collect some GRACE.

Nor did I forget SALVATION, for SALVATION is free.

I managed to get enough of that to save both you and me.

Then I made my way to the counter, to pay the enormous bill,

For I thought I now had everything to do my MASTER'S will.

As I went up the aisle I spotted PRAYER, I just had to put some in,

For I know that when I stepped outside, I would run right into sin.

PEACE and JOY were plentiful, they were on the final shelf.

With SONGS and PRAISES hanging near, so I just helped myself.

Then I asked the Angel, “Now, how much do I owe?”

He smiled and said “Just take them with you, everywhere you go”.

I said again, “But how much do I owe?”

He smiled and said:

“MY CHILD, JESUS PAID YOUR BILL A LONG, LONG TIME AGO!”

Ronald writes:

Doris replies:

Doris

Doris

Ronald

Ronald

Ronald

GEMS 2

You can keep your men of Genius

Just give me some Dope

             who knows  what he’s Doing

“A rumour without a leg to stand on will get around some other way”

                                                                                           - John Tudor

“A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.”

                                                                                                           - Robert Frost

GEMS 2

When I was a kid, my parents told be what to do. When I went to school, my teachers told me what to do. Now I’m married, my husband tells me what to do. I’m not going to use a computer and let it tell me what to do!!”

                                                                                                                -Anonymous

Let us be thankful

Two elderly gentlemen were sharing a pint at their local.

One said to the other. “ Is there anything in your life that you are particularly grateful for?”

His friend thought for a second or two and replied, ” Yes. I’m very grateful for my wife, good health and this pint of beer”.  Then he turned the table on his friend, “ and what, if anything, are you grateful for?”

Without a pause the answer came, “ I’m grateful that water is drinkable and not poisonous, that rain is not corrosive to the skin, but above all at my age I’m so grateful that sh*t is water soluble.”

An echo arose around the bar, “ Amen to that”