The Ego

Sometimes when your feeling important.

         Sometimes when your Ego’s in bloom.

Sometimes when you take it for granted ,

         your the best qualified man in the room.

Sometimes when you feel that your going,

         would leave an unfillable hole.

Just try this simple experiment,

         and see how it humbles your soul.

Take a bucket and fill it with water,

         plunge your hands in it up to the wrists.

Pull them out and the hole that remains,

         is a measure of how much you’ll be missed.

You may splash all you please when you enter,

         you can stir up the waters galore.

But stop and you’ll find in a minute,

         that it look just the same as before.

The moral of this is quite simple.

         Do just the best that you can.

Be proud of yourself, but remember,

         THERE IS NO INDISPENSABLE MAN.

GEMS 1

I carry a cross in my pocket

A simple reminder to me

Of the fact that I am a Christian

No matter where I may be.

It's not for identification

For all the world to see

It's simply an understanding

Between my Saviour and me.

It reminds me, too, to be thankful

For my blessings day by day

And to strive to serve Him better

In all that I do or say.

This little cross isn't magic

Nor is it a good luck charm

It isn't meant to protect me

From every physical harm.

When I put my hand in my pocket

To bring out a coin or a key

The cross is there to remind me

Of the price He paid for me.

It's also a daily reminder

Of the peace and comfort I share

With all who know my Master

And give themselves into His care.

So, I carry a cross in my pocket

Reminding no one but me

That Jesus Christ is Lord of my life

If only I'll let Him be.

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The Cross In My Pocket

A Prayer For The Stressed

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill today because they got on my nerves.

Also help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they maybe connected to the feet I have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to give 100% effort at work.

12% Monday

23% Tuesday

40% Wednesday

20% Thursday

5% Friday

Help me to remember when I’m having a bad day and it seems that people are trying to wind me up, that it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 28 muscles to smile, and only 4 to extend my arm and smack them in the mouth.

Marriage Secrets

My wife and I have all the secrets for making marriage last.

1. Twice a week we dine out. We go to a nice little restaurant, we have a little wine, some good food and companionship.

She goes Tuesdays I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.

Hers is in Florida mines in Cincinnati.

3. I take my wife everywhere.

But she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.

Somewhere I haven’t been for a long time. She said.

So I suggested the kitchen.

5. When we go out we always hold hands.

If I let her go she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric can opener, electric juicer and an electric bread maker. Then she said “there are too many gadgets and no place to sit down.”

So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost any weight, but boy you should see her climb trees.

8. She had a mud pack and looked great for two days.

Then the mud fell off.

“Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kill all its pupils”

                                                                                     -Hector Berlioz

“If I have seen  farther than others, it is because I have                          stood on the shoulders of giants.”

                                                                -Sir Isaac Newton

When a table lamp was recently bought a piece of paper fell out with these instructions:

Guidance:

Before connecting to the power, please clip in the bulb first, or will result to no lighting.

                                    So that’s what I’ve been doing wrong!!

I wish you LOVE, I wish you HEALTH and I wish you WEALTH.

But above all I wish for you TIME.

Time to enjoy the first three.

A Four Part Toast

Babies, Babies, Babies.

A letter from a desperate husband to an agony Aunt

Dear Marge,

my wife and I desperately need your help. We’ve been married now for five years and have five children. Please, please help us.

When we we’re first married we started out like any other couple looking forward to having a child. When our first born came along we were delighted, but thought it best to wait a few year before having any more.

Listening to our work colleagues they suggested we use the “Safe Period” as this would not cost any money.  

So we waited until the neighbours and our in-laws were away and knew it was safe with no one to interrupt us, however child number two still arrived.

Then we were advised to try the “Rhythm” method. We couldn’t see how that would help, but were told that it was quite successful. We tried doing it to the Rumba, the Samba, the Waltz even to Rock and Roll, one of them couldn’t have worked though, because my wife became pregnant once again.

Next our Doctor advised my wife to try the Contraceptive Pill. She must have read the instruction wrong because in time, she still became pregnant with our fourth child. I should have known it wouldn’t work, as, try as she might, the pill always fell out when she stood up.

I then took over and asked the chemist what he would recommend. He said the Contraceptive Sheath or Condom would be our best bet. After graphically explaining it’s purpose and method of use, I blushingly bought a packet of condoms and used them exactly as shown.  We have just had our fifth child. I knew the condoms would be a waste of time as soon as he demonstrated them. Just how he thinks a condom unrolled over the thumb can prevent a pregnancy I don’t know.

Please, please help us Marge, before we have a sixth baby. We’re getting desperate. If you can’t suggest a better way we may have to resort to Oral Sex, and I’m sure you’ll agree with me that talking about sex can never replace the real thing.

Yours a desperate father of five.

A recent Mars exploration vehicle searching the barren landscape saw a group of chard heaps all over the place. With no indication what they were. Then in the distance, operatives here on earth could see something standing all on it’s own. So they moved in on it. As they came close they could see what looked like a flower. When they zoomed in they could see a flower which had a large eye that blinked continuously. As the camera scanned the plant, two flippers came into view, flapping from side to side.  Before they could take a photo of the object it burst into bloom. Several flowers appearing  around the large eye. It then sprang into the air performing a perfect summersault and burst into flames. It perished leaving another pile of ash on the landscape.

And that was the last anyone saw of the Blinking, Blooming, Flipping, Flapping, Flaming, Perishing thing.

News Flash

Christmas Fruit Cake Recipe

Inredients:

1 Cup Water                         2 Cups Dried Fruit                            1 Cup Brown Sugar

1 Cup Sugar                         1 tbs Salt                                           8 oz Nuts

4 Large Eggs                        1 tbs Baking Powder                          Juice of 1 Lemon

                                                                                                     1 Bottle of Whisky

Method:

Sample the Whisky to check the quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the Whisky again, to be sure of it’s of the highest quality, pour one level cup full and drink it. Repeat once more.

Turn on the mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large bowl, add one tbs sugar and beat again.

Make sure the Whisky is still OK. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixerer. Break two eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the dried fruit. Mix on the turner.

If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Whisky to check for tonsisticty.

Next sift two cups of salt, or something similar, who cares?

Check the Whisky.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table spoon of sugar or something else, whatever you can find.  Grease the oven, turn on the cake tin to 350 degrees.

Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the Whisky and go to bed.

A Call from Mom

The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" she said. "What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight."

The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathetic. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once.

" "George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"

"Why, George! Your husband! ... Is this 223-1374?

"No, this is 223-1375."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."

There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5lb potato sack in each hand, extend the arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute and then relax.

Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position a little longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10lb potato sacks.

After a month try it with 50lb potato sacks.

Eventually try to get up to where you can lift 100lb potato sacks in each hand and hold them out straight for a full minute.

I have just reached this level after only six weeks.

Once you have reached this level, as I have,

put a potato in each sack.